
Happy Pride, y’all! I have a tendency to schedule my filmgoing in obsessive bursts. If I see a block of time and can figure out how to squeeze two movies in *just so.* I do it. This has resulted in some nightmarish double feature pairings. For example, Noah and The Grand Budapest Hotel (I’m still nauseous from that experience) or Coraline and The Reader (that one caused pure psychological whiplash). This brings me to what will likely be the (inadvertently) gayest double feature I’ve navigated: Masters of the Universe and Stop! That! Train! Loin cloths and drag queens and Sarah Michelle Gellar, oh my!
I’m a child of the 80s. When we got HBO for the first time (maybe around 1982 or so?), you’d get a little glossy booklet every month, teeming with entertainment ‘round the clock. There were always one or two big splashy blockbusters to draw you in, and then … a whole LOT of d-list 80s dreck. I would dutifully circle every showing of Star Wars and ET and The Neverending Story but also Xanadu and Krull and Flash Gordon. And I would watch them all over and over and over and over. I suppose that’s why my brain is a block of day-glo Swiss cheese to this day.
Masters is an unapologetic throwback to those (very) financially unsuccessful fantasy films of the Reagan era – Flash Gordon particularly – and Stop! That! Train! is essentially (also unapologetically) Airplane! but with drag queens … on a train. And with that low bar to entry in mind, both work reasonably well. Ten year old Roy would have watched both movies 98 times in one summer while my horrified parents stared on in disbelief they’d raised a child with such dodgy taste. Fifty three year old Roy will have seen both of these movies once, will likely buy the DVDs for “collecting sake,” but admittedly was neither fully transported nor utterly delighted by either. Try as I might to tap into my misspent youth while watching these films, I just couldn’t get there.
And that’s a shame. I don’t know if that says more about me, the fraught cultural moment in which we perpetually find ourselves, or the performative goofiness that afflicts both films. It’s clear that Travis Knight (director of Masters) and Adam Shankman (director of Stop! That! Train!) are as informed by the same oeuvre (can I even really call it that?) as I. But neither of them quite land the oomph to bring these influences full circle in a way that acknowledges the past while connecting with arguably savvier audiences today.
Masters clearly aspires to have its cake and eat it too (a la Barbie), simultaneously lampooning and celebrating its source material while weaving in a modern message about overcoming toxic masculinity with empathy and heart and self-effacement. But unlike Barbie, Masters is missing a certain sparkle or joie de vivre. I wish I could pinpoint where it misses the mark. Perhaps in aping the very plodding structure of a throwback like Krull, the film kneecaps itself by tying a nostalgic boat anchor around its neck. Sorry (not sorry) for the mixed metaphor. The visuals are there, the Easter eggs are plentiful, and Nicholas Galitzine does a bang-up job as the follicularly blessed, muscle bound, fish-out-of-water protagonist He-Man. Honestly, he deserved a much punchier script to match the gorgeous production design.

As for Stop! That! Train!, RuPaul is (naturally) the best thing in a film that likely should have just been a hourlong special episode of Drag Race. While I kept a stupid smile on my face for the entire film, I only laughed out loud about 3.5 times. And those guffaws were when the criminally underused Ru appeared onscreen. I would giddily watch two hours of RuPaul strutting around the White House as the sassy glamazon President Gagwell. Dealing with the “national crisis” of a runaway train barreling through literally EVERY possible calamitous weather front in the meteorologist’s lexicon, Ru commands “bring me my TV pantsuit” as she’s about to address an angry press corps. I *may* have snorted at the line delivery. Ru is an utter delight, and I wish the filmmakers, rather than go the tired route of Mad! Magazine-style spoof, would have written a sharp satire about our tumultuous political age centered around the spicy, stylish delivery of Ru. Le sigh.
If wishes were horses, we all would ride. Or something like that.
Better luck next time, Hollywood. Maybe pair President Gagwell with He-Man for the sequel. And actually write a decent script for them both.




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